Billionaires Want to Draft Glenn, Citing Need for Fresh, Forgettable Face

October 2, 2023

We called it, folks! People make the best decisions when they’re scared, and that’s always good news for Glenn.

The Washington Post reported that GOP mega donors, terrified of the inevitability of a Trump nomination, are once again pushing for Glenn to throw his unassumingly extremist hat into the ring. 

Now that the trivial “government shutdown” issue is over and Glenn made his perfunctory appearance on FOX News to blame everyone but those responsible, it’s for him to focus on what really matters: courting donors and playing coy about his presidential intentions.

The effort is said to be taking place at the October 17 “Red Vest Retreat” in Virginia Beach, an event named after one of Glenn’s very few memorable traits.

While we at Spirit of America can’t quite afford a seat at the private retreat, we have reserved an enviable spot on the lawn where we can take turns trying to hear discussions through the wall.

“We’re bringing out the big guns,” a right-wing donor chuckled, chomping on a cigar. He agreed to speak under the condition of anonymity, just in case he’s forced to support another milquetoast Republican in the coming weeks. “Glenn Youngkin! Can you imagine a better presidential candidate? He’s unpopular, already has two high-profile GOP senators questioning his ability, and the best part: he’s an extremist that lacks any entertainment factor. Just get him on that debate stage and watch him take up space!”

Taking up space is what Glenn does best! Just ask anyone who’s attended one of his events.

The Washington Post described the effort to convince Glenn to run as “the latest slapdash scheme in a long search for a standard-bearer and a portrait of the powerlessness so many Republicans feel as Trump plows ahead…”

“You just don’t get it,” another millionaire mega-donor said, who also requested to remain anonymous, on the off chance that he just throws more cash behind Tim Scott or Nikki Haley instead. “Glenn could be the savior we’ve been searching for! He’s got the backing of some of our party’s most trustworthy luminaries like Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Brothers. These are men who truly understand what the people want!”

When asked if the groundswell of support around Glenn from super PACs and billionaires can connect with Republican base voters, he scoffed, but appeared noticeably sweatier. 

“Well,” he said, “at least the catering at the Red Vest Retreat should be good. ”

We can’t speak for the catering (because we can’t actually get inside), but we agree: Glenn’s private equity firm background and support from some of the wealthiest far-right donors in America are exactly what GOP voters are looking for!