RICHMOND, VA – After the Governor announced at a joint press conference on Wednesday that he and Democrats in the General Assembly intend to continue bipartisan budget negotiations in order to arrive at a compromise to benefit all Virginians, members of Glenn’s team rushed to put out the political fire.
“Well, uh, he’s uh, he’s…yes, he’s going to continue negotiating,” a flustered aide said, loosening his tie and slowly sliding down the wall of a storage closet. “But it’s not like…he’s not going to be nice about it, so like, he’ll raise his voice and everything. So it’s not like he’s friends with…he’s still the same…I mean…oh god…”
Before he could say any more, the beleaguered aide shoved his face into a brown paper bag and began to breathe heavily.
Despite introducing a record 233 amendments to the budget which passed the General Assembly in March that slashed things like K-12 funding and support for reproductive healthcare, the Governor struck a surprising conciliatory tone when standing next to Democratic leaders on Wednesday, something we’re sure can be easily explained as yet another high-IQ, 4D chess move by our red-vested savior.
Another aide, far less winded, attempted to do so.
“Don’t be disheartened, true believers!” he said, wildly gesticulating. “Yes, Glenn’s negotiating with the Dems, but he’s still 100% our quiet MAGA Man through and through. Don’t forget: the day he stood next to those loony liberals was the same day he got to witness his fellow Republicans in the General Assembly drive the final nail into the coffin of some truly awful legislation he so courageously vetoed.”
He continued by outlining examples, growing increasingly animated as he did so.
“Terrible policies like increasing the minimum wage, protecting reproductive rights, banning dangerous weapons of war, allowing communities to fund repairs to their crumbling schools, and the list goes on!”
While we thought the interview had ended after this aide also collapsed, similarly breathing into a brown paper bag, we were surprised to find a hastily-scrawled note, duct-taped to the back of one of our staff members’ jackets some time later.
“So could you put in a good word with Rupert?” the note read, nearly illegible. “We really need to keep our spot on Fox and Friends.”
