After 2 days of presidential kingmaker cosplay, a secretive gathering of GOP mega donors hosted by Glenn Youngkin came to a close on Wednesday – and boy what a gathering it was!
We’re only assuming. We couldn’t swing the price of admission.
Luckily, we’ve received an exclusive account from one of the attendees who took time out of his busy schedule to attend the embarrassingly titled Red Vest Retreat.
(We’re still calling it that? Okay, no time to workshop it, I guess.)
This individual requested his identity be withheld due to lingering remorse over how much money he’d been convinced to donate to a potential candidate best known for the fleece vest he wore two years ago.
“It was invitation only,” the unnamed attendee said, beaming. “And since I have plenty of cash to toss around, I figured it was worth my time to fly to Virginia on a private jet, enjoy a newly-renovated hotel on a super PAC’s dime and glad-hand with Mike Pompeo. You know, real ‘man of the people’ type stuff.”
According to the Washington Post, the retreat included “100 or so millionaires and billionaires.” And according to our anonymous source, these Never-Trumpers had to come together for the good of the country. Their years of accumulating near limitless wealth had finally put them in touch with what Republican base voters really want. That’s why they packed Virginia Beach’s Historic Cavalier Hotel and groveled at Glenn’s podium, begging him to ride to the rescue of a Republican Party that, based on polling, is plenty happy with their soon-to-be nominee already.
They may think they’re happy, but wait until they hear a convincing pitch from an East Coast billionaire who once played golf with Glenn! Someone who can speak directly to his absentee charisma, his “aw shucks” extremism, and his single minded fashion sense. Take it from us here at Spirit of America: That’s what truly resonates with the grassroots.
“It was pretty embarrassing to see some of America’s wealthiest hedge fund managers and media moguls wailing and gnashing their teeth,” the source said. “From my supplicant position on the carpet, it was clear some of these guys were really desperate.”
Despite this desperation, some remain unconvinced, even going so far as telling the Associated press that a Youngkin run is “doomed to failure.” While we scoff at this painfully accurate take, when confronted with it, the attendee sadly nodded.
“Glenn’s pushing unpopular policies and he’s empowered fringe candidates with even less popular positions as a result,” the source said, wiping a tear from his eye. “But he has the Mike Pompeo endorsement! It’s proof Glenn is still great at flirting with Trumpism while maintaining plausible deniability. That’s the kind of courage we’re looking for in a standard bearer.”
That’s another successful Red Vest Retreat in the books! Let’s hope next time there’s a discount on tickets or something.