Glenn Champions Early Voting, as Long as Republicans Are the Ones Doing It

September 21, 2023

With the launch of state-wide early voting on September 22 right around the corner, Glenn has been busy encouraging his party to take advantage of a process they’ve dedicated years to systematically dismantling. 

Here comes the Spirit of America, folks! Last stop: your local polling location!

“It makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard,” said a man lurking around a polling location, attempting to investigate a voting machine with a magnifying glass. “When Democrats encouraged people to vote early, Republicans in the General Assembly called it cheating. When Glenn encourages his base to vote early, it’s downright patriotic.”

Now a dedicated voting rights advocate (as long as those rights are practiced by Republicans), Glenn has spent much of his time leading up to Friday talking about the importance of early voting. 

But leave it to the woke media to ask all the wrong questions and poke holes.

So what if Glenn’s newfound passion for voting rights doesn’t square with his own party’s desire to curtail them? Who even remembers their efforts to limit in-person absentee voting, repeal same-day voter registration, reintroduce photo ID requirements, remove the curbside voting option for voters with special needs, and one Republican’s desire to repeal early voting entirely?

Answer: No one! Thankfully, an anonymous staffer stepped forward to set the records straight.

“Glenn has been clear,” the staffer stammered. “He wants more people to have their voices heard. Sure, he never called on his fellow Republicans to stop incessantly attacking this cornerstone of our democracy, but you have to understand; they were just trying to make it harder for Democrats to vote. I’m sure Glenn would have said something, he was probably just busy that day.”

We’re positive he was busy that day. Just like we’re certain that Glenn’s effort to limit the automatic restoration of rights was just another part of his emerging status as a bold champion of expanding access to the ballot box. 

What a hero!