RICHMOND, VA – Despite a flurry of last-minute reporting about Glenn potentially being Trump’s pick for Vice President, reality unfortunately reasserted itself when it was revealed that Virginia’s favorite red-vested Governor had been passed over in favor of Ohio Senator J.D. Vance.
“We’re okay. We’re going to be okay,” a noticeably red-eyed Youngkin staffer said, holding back tears on the floor of the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee. “First he didn’t run for president, and that was okay. Then Democrats took back control of the General Assembly. And that was okay too. Now, he isn’t Trump’s VP. And…and…that’s…excuse me…”
Spirit of America attempted to continue the conversation, but the Youngkin staffer ran away in tears, tripping over several folding chairs while weeping into a MAGA-monogrammed handkerchief.
Thankfully, Glenn had the distinct honor of speaking on the first night of the convention, sharing the stage with fellow Republican heavy hitters like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, the CEO of Goya foods, and social media influencer and OnlyFans star Amber Rose.
Glenn appeared in good spirits on the final night of the convention. In fact, Glenn was so overcome by the spirit of unity and freedom filling the room that he miraculously managed to stay awake during Trump’s historically long acceptance speech.
The New York Times even captured him clapping and morosely looking on while sharing a box seat with GOP megadonor Miriam Adelson and other high IQ individuals.
(But shame on the failing NYT for not mentioning Glenn alongside Ted Cruz!)
“Yes, he got passed over for veep, but it’s not all bad. He was the seventh speaker on Monday. That’s before the lady who shot her dog!” a hedge fund manager who requested to remain anonymous said. “You can tell just by his placement at the podium that Trump has big plans for our guy Glenn.”
Spirit of America sought out additional reactions to Glenn’s momentous speech.
“Who?” responded a woman in an oversized Uncle Sam hat. “I remember the Goya guy. But Yarnkin? Never heard of the guy. Sounds Chinese.”
Clearly, Glenn’s speech was a strategic master work, where his talent for parroting MAGA talking points while remaining utterly forgettable was on full display.
After the Youngkin staffer recovered from his tumble and extricated himself from a heap of clanking chairs, he composed himself and asked to continue the interview.
“Trump said that he’d ‘love’ to have Glenn in his Administration, and when has Trump ever gone back on his word?” the staffer said, wiping away a fresh deluge of tears.
Before the interview could continue however, another Youngkin staffer appeared and threw an arm around his beleaguered, weeping co-worker.
“Not that I’ve talked to Glenn or anything, but like, he’d love to be a part of Trump’s Cabinet, like, really really love it,” the new arrival said, eyes gleaming. “He didn’t tell me to come down here and tell you that. And he definitely didn’t tell me to mention that he’d be a great Treasuring Secretary because of his success at the Carlyle Group. This was all my idea. Promise.”
Spirit of America attempted to get a comment from Glenn, but were told he was busy trying to track down Peter Navarro’s cell phone number.
