With All Other Problems Solved, Glenn Triples Down on Sports Arena

March 19, 2024

March 19, 2024

RICHMOND, VA – For the third month in a row, Glenn remains focused on an issue of the utmost importance to residents of the Commonwealth; an issue that crosses all political affiliations, geographic locations, and personal experiences; an issue of paramount importance to every single working family who calls the Old Dominion home. 

It’s the sports arena. Yep. Still that one.

“Name a problem here in Virginia, and Glenn has already solved it,” an anonymous DC-based political consultant said with a wave of his hand. “What’s really on the top of everyone’s mind is this plan for a sports complex in Northern Virginia. I’ve heard that little kids as far out as Wise County are weeping bitter tears and hoping beyond hope that this deal goes through.”

When asked about the naysayers who claim that Virginia taxpayers will end up footing the bill to support Glenn’s billionaire buddy’s business scheme, the consultant laughed.

“Are you kidding? Taking advantage of taxpayers and diving through loopholes is how Glenn made his living,” he chuckled. “You know that famous saying: you can take the Governor out of the hedge fund, but you can’t take the hedge fund out of the Governor.”

And while the Washington Post found that Glenn’s “own report called the arena forecasts rosy,” and questions persist about the murkiness of the plan, the lack of transparency, and the countless assumptions made to make sure the numbers kinda sorta make sense, our guy Glenn remains boldly undeterred.

In fact, he’s planning on including the deal again in his budget amendments.

“That’s what I want in Virginia’s governor,” said an out-of-state donor who contributes monthly to Glenn’s PAC. “Someone who has the guts to put the hopes and dreams of a billionaire who owns two sports teams ahead of small-time complaints about schools, medical care, transportation and the minimum wage. I want to know that when Glenn wakes up in the morning, his first thought is about a sports complex in Alexandria that I might visit one day.”

We tried texting Glenn to get one of his classic, witty retorts about the arena to include in this release, but only received his automatic away message: “Unless this is Ted, don’t have time.”