With Critical Legislation on the Line, Glenn Knows What Really Matters to Virginians: a Billionaire’s Sports Arena

March 8, 2024

RICHMOND VA – Even as more than eighty bills sit on Governor Youngkin’s desk, awaiting his action by 11:59 p.m. tonight, Glenn knew he had to make time for what really mattered when he made his way to Capitol Square yesterday.

Would he speak about reproductive freedom? Preventing gun violence? Funding education? Don’t be silly. It’s the sports complex, stupid. His legacy project that we at the Spirit of America still don’t know much about, but wholeheartedly endorse anyway.

Filled with righteous anger and a renewed desire for bipartisanship, Glenn trudged to the lonely podium in front of the General Assembly Building to take aim at the conference budget. 

His target? Only the most salient issue facing the Commonwealth in decades: a sports arena scheme cooked up by Glenn’s billionaire buddy that could end up costing Virginia taxpayers $1.35 billion.

“Forget reproductive rights, education funding, healthcare, mental health services or any of that unimportant stuff,” puffed an out-of-breath aid as they helped carry the Governor’s podium across the lawn. “We know that everyday Virginians are really worried about the status of this arena, and how bad Glenn’s feelings will be hurt if he doesn’t get it approved.”

During his press conference, Glenn spoke at length about the deal, remarking that the arena not being included in the proposed budget was a “colossal mistake,” and implying that the defeat of his billionaire BFF’s plan would imperil the legislation currently on his desk.

“Glenn knows that in politics, when you don’t get something you want, you take your ball and go home,” a spokesperson was quick to point out. “Only ‘the ball’ in this instance is widely popular legislation and ‘home’ is his office, where he’ll take out all of his well-earned anger on legislators by vetoing their bills. That’s just good-faith governing.”

That could result in a defeat of a variety of popular things, including the marijuana retail market, additional funding for education, Virginia’s return to the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative (RGGI), and more.

“Did you really think Glenn was going to sign off on those things anyway?” an unnamed staffer whispered following the Governor’s impromptu press conference. “He unilaterally pulled Virginia out of RGGI last year. He wrote an angry letter just last week attacking JLARC for daring to imply that we’ve been underfunding education. And don’t even get me started on the weed bill.”

“Glenn never had any intention of signing legislation to meet the needs of Virginians beneath a certain tax bracket,” the staffer continued, this time ducking beneath some nearby foliage. “The arena deal going down in flames just gives him a better excuse now.”

Spirit of America tried desperately to reach out to Glenn to get a comment on this miscarriage of sports complex-related justice, mostly by tossing small rocks at his window in the Executive Mansion. 

We did not hear back, but Glenn was later spotted jogging towards a private car with a cell phone to his ear, weeping and shouting “I’m sorry, Ted!” over and over.