As First Presidential Debate Looms, Insiders Say Glenn has “Massive Appeal” as Trump’s VP

June 26, 2024

RICHMOND, VA – A recent Fox News profile of Glenn claims he is “being lauded for his ‘massive’ bipartisan appeal by political insiders” who see him as the obvious choice for Trump’s Vice President.

While it remains unclear if these insiders are the same billionaires and hedge fund managers who begged Glenn to run for president in 2023, there’s no doubt he’s captured the imaginations of dynamic, MAGA leaders like Karl Rove.

And with Glenn unexpectedly jettisoning his Chief of Staff and joining Big Papa Trump at a rally in Virginia on Friday, it appears as if his promotion to the Trump’s smile-and-nod VP is imminent. 

But how has he earned this envious spot? Spirit of America has proudly cataloged previous examples of Glenn’s good governance and policy prowess, but to capture the voice of the common man, only a GOP-aligned, boardroom bankroller will do. 

Enter an anonymous SuperPAC donor, who agreed to a virtual interview on one condition: that the final release prove once and for all that Glenn can appeal to both the defeated RNC rank-and-file and to deep-pocketed tech donors flirting with Christian Nationalism. 

“So many WINS!” the shadowy donor salivated over the Zoom screen. “Let’s start with the lady stuff. Glenn went all in on a 15-week abortion ban and followed it up by responsibly vetoing bills to protect access to birth control.”

The donor chuckled and began counting out fifty-dollar bills as he spoke. 

“Let’s talk education! Instead of wasting more money on public schools, Glenn held a bunch of ‘parental rights’ events across the state to make sure people knew who the real enemies were: teachers. He even made it easier for school boards to cleanse libraries of nasty books!”

Once he ran out of fifties, The donor shifted to counting out crisp one-hundred dollar bills, growing increasingly excited as he outlined additional successes. 

“Glenn’s 2024 budget cut $635 million from K-12, but let’s be real,” the man continued, clearing a pile of bills off his keyboard, “Glenn needed to fund all the corporate tax cuts he was fighting for.”

Foaming at the mouth at the thought of tax relief for billionaires, the donor rushed across the room and began programming his desktop to mine for bitcoin.

“Then there’s election integrity! Glenn is such a supporter of stopping the steal that he removed Virginia from a tyrannical, multi-state agreement that helped safeguard elections,” the donor gleefully growled. “Glenn wasn’t done though! Because he also purged Virginians from voter rolls and just signed Executive Order 31. You know, just to throw a few extra roadblocks up for those, ahem, ‘less-than-ideal’ voters.”

When asked about the rigged process that saw Glenn lose out on a massive sports complex deal to the mayor of D.C., the donor roared with disapproval and flipped the table, ending the interview.

Our attempts to reach Glenn for comment were unsuccessful, as we were informed that the Governor was busy carrying his favorite swivel chair between Fox News sets.